Monkswood Associates Newsletter
Difficult People Part 3 – Meeting

I covered some key reasons for finding a person 'difficult' in part 1.

And a way of preparing to meet in part 2.

Now I want to consider the meeting itself.

Some general points that could be of assistance are:

• You can only control how you react to the 'difficult person'
• All behaviours have a positive intent e.g. a client of mine said that when responding sarcastically, he was just trying to start communication as he thought it was needed
• Avoid absolutes (e.g. always, never) even when thinking about the person as well as when speaking with the person
• Words often bring to mind different things to different people: when using the value cards with one client 'choice' came out as one of their core values – by this they had in mind having the choice to be different from their siblings. For me it brings to mind recognising the choices I have available. What does it bring to your mind?
• When two people relate both play a part in what takes place – the responses and interpretation of responses
• You won't win them all – you can't please everyone all of the time

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Now let's review what to keep in mind when meeting each other.

OK, here are some basic suggestions, most of which I suspect you probably already know!

1. Spot any filters that you are using when listening to the person. Just noticing and acknowledging their presence helps. If you can put aside any negative filter(s) that would probably be too much to ask of yourself.
2. Observe your emotional response(s).  And work out what it is that has caused your emotional response(s).  This may include the impact of certain filters, the person's body language, tone of voice and/or the words spoken.
3. Acknowledge to yourself what you feel like doing.  Acknowledging it to yourself quite often reduces its power over you and gives you a brief opportunity to consider what other options are available to you (see issue 59 on 'accepting yourself').
4. Remember the responses you prepared.  And use them appropriately – tone of voice and speed of delivery will impact how they will be heard (and your body language of course).
5. Give yourself a bit of time to think before you act.  For instance, you could check your understanding.
6. When verbally responding, remember to own your perceptions (say 'I') as this will reduce the chance of it coming across as an accusation or blame; for example say 'I notice your voice is raised and I'm feeling scared' rather than 'you are shouting and scaring me'. 

If you want to address the conflict issue itself, there is a separate process that I can recommend for consideration.  Another newsletter topic!

Tell me what you already do that works in some situations when faced with a type of person you sometimes find difficult.  I am always interested to learn about more approaches. 

All the best

  AND THE NEW WEBSITE FOR THE VALUE CARDS IS LAUNCHED! 
Go to www.coachingcards.co.uk and have a look.

Do you want more choice about how you respond to some people or situations? 
Request your complimentary exploratory consultation and
contact Helen at: helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk

 

Helen Harrison, People Coach, at:
Tel: +44 (0)1453.835263
Email: helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk
Website: www.monkswoodassociates.co.uk

Have your working relationships working well

©2009 Helen Harrison

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