Monkswood Associates Newsletter
Difficult People Part 2 – Preparation

I covered some key reasons for finding a person 'difficult'. Now I want to reflect on what may help you with people you find difficult.

The focus will be on 'difficult people' who are part of your everyday life, rather than the one-off occasions. 

You can prepare in a variety of ways to connect more easily to people you currently find difficult.  What I'm going to cover is just one of these ways.  Other aspects relating to difficult people will follow in future newsletters.

You may be attracted to the idea - or parts of it - or may be not.  Go with what attracts or interests you.  If you attempt what doesn't attract or interest you, you are likely to have in your mind, consciously or unconsciously, 'well, I'll try it but it won't work'.  Or words to that effect.  And guess what?  It won't!

You might feel a bit cack-handed (clumsy) when you first have a go.  That is normal.  You wouldn't expect someone to be able to drive a car proficiently by reading about it.  The same is true with this. 

Choice

You may believe that you have little choice at present.  In reality you have three types of choices:

1. the way you see the person: e.g. "it's past changing", "it's an impossible hurdle", "I can be different in how I respond to him/her"
2. how you want to be in relationship to the person: eg judgemental, disappointed, curious
3. what to do about it: usually this is where most people start, when it would be more beneficial to start with 1 and 2

Preparation

So at some stage you are likely to want to (or have to) interact with this person, yes?

1  Before you do, gather information about the person you are meeting and the purpose of the meeting!

• What outcome(s) do you want to achieve from the meeting – what would you like to have happen?
• What message(s) do you want to deliver successfully, if any?
• What needs to happen for it to be successful that you can influence?

• When listening to them, what filters come into play? Some filters you can pick up through noticing what your internal conversation is.  You know the ones – "he's just saying that, but doesn't mean it", "she's trying to get rid of me and take on someone she can chose", "I always get the difficult ones".  These filters affect how you interpret what you hear – and, therefore, how you see the person.

• When listening to them, apart from how you understand what they say, how else could it be understood?
• Apart from perceiving the person 'difficult', what is your part in this relationship?  In what ways have your contributed to it?  For example, your values, beliefs, emotions, responses, fears, needs, interests, non-verbal communication, give-and-take.  This is linked to your choice about how you want to be in relationship with the person.
• What else might have contributed? For instance, lack of role/hierarchy clarity.
• What beliefs do you hold about this person?
• How are your values similar and different?
• How are your working styles similar and different?
• How are your ways of thinking similar and different?  These questions may help you to see the person in a more complete way.

2  Prepare what you want to say and/or do.  Then imagine what s/he might say in response or ask.  Have a reply ready that will elicit a neutral to constructive reaction from him/her.  Think of as many comments and queries that could arise - and have ready what you would like to say.

3  Take time to imagine this whole conversation going well – notice how you feel, what you see and hear.  Capture the good feelings. And repeat this several times and at different times before you meet. 

Possible Structure for raising a topic

Depending on what you want to say the following structure may be of interest

• describe the situation factually e.g. "I notice …."
• describe what you imagine from observing this e.g. "and I'm in danger of assuming …" or "and I imagine …."
• express your feelings e.g. "as a result I'm feeling …".
• ask how they saw it  e.g "and I'm interested to know how you saw it"
• at some stage you may find the need to say what you would like to come out of this discussion e.g. "what I'd like from discussing this with you is …"

In the meeting

We'll cover the meeting itself in my next newsletter, and some more general points too.

If you can't wait, contact me and we can work together on what would be best for you.

All the best

AND STILL WATCH THIS SPACE FOR NEWS ABOUT THE WEBSITE
FOR THE VALUE CARDS!
In the meantime, if you want to know more about them, please email me at:
helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk
and I'll send you some information.

"Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up."
Jesse Jackson American Civil Rights Leader, b 1941

Do you want more choice about how you respond to some situations? 
Request your complimentary exploratory consultation and
contact Helen at:   
helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk

Helen Harrison, People Coach, at:
Tel: +44 (0)1453.835263
Email: helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk
Website: www.monkswoodassociates.co.uk

Have your working relationships working well

©2009 Helen Harrison

 

Back to top