Monkswood Associates Newsletter
Topic for the Month: Values and Assumptions

My opening thought:

"The harder you fight to hold on to specific assumptions, the more likely there's gold in letting go of them."
John Seely Brown, author, challenger and much more (http://www.johnseelybrown.com/)

 

In my last newsletter, I mentioned about living "our lives in a way that supports our values and beliefs". This assumes that you know your values and beliefs inside-out.  And that you have thought about them and actively taken them – rather than just accept them.  It also assumes other people have done the same!

What has led me to say this?  Well, there are two aspects to this story … 

One aspect is about awareness.  I'll give you one instance that raised my awareness.  I used to say that fairness was a core value for me.  I remember at my primary school we had mock elections (there was a general election happening at the time).  On one occasion I had noticed someone had put a personal comment about one of the candidates on her back.  I was outraged!  This was not playing the game fairly.  It was about the candidate's politics and not how they looked (the note made a comment about weight).  So I went up and took the note off, glaring at the person who had done it, but doing it so that the candidate didn't feel me take the note off. 

Now I'm not telling you this to show how 'good' I was.  This was the example I used to have in mind when asked what was important to me.  Until … 

A good number of years later (yes I took time to learn!), someone asked me what principles were important to me.  One of the first I said was ' fairness'.  My friend then said something like "but what about when your ex-boss gave you a bad reference relating to you being a woman?  Wasn't that unfair?  Your initial bit of anger seemed to disappear very quickly."

Such good points.  And the answer?  Well another value was kicking in – practicality, which includes 'that's life'!  But I hadn't noticed it until my friend brought it to my attention (I like friends like this).

"And what has this got to do with assumptions?" you may well be asking – understandably so.  Well, I had assumed that because I felt strongly about fairness, that I would behave in a way that would support that value consistently - always.  Well, I don't!  And I suspect that is true for most of us.

… What assumptions do you make about your values and behaviour?

The second aspect is about perceptions. When a person tells you about a value s/he holds dear, do you really know what they understand by the term they have given that value? For instance, if someone said they value 'being the best', would you know that this was linked to 'make my mother proud' and that if people don't try then that person would become intolerant of that person's performance? 

Perceptions vary – probably to the same number as the people involved! Therefore, I believe it is so important to find out what the selected value actually means to each individual.

How sure are you that you know what another person means?

You may be wondering for what purpose you may want to know for certain what a person means by using a particular word or phrase.  Well as an individual, any improvements in understanding people, with whom you have contact, will help smooth that contact.  You may even find greater synergies than you expect – or get to understand a possible source of conflict.  This gives you more choice about what you say and do.  And that is true in work and at home.

Have a go and see what you find out …

Tell me what you learn by emailing me at helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk

Do you want more choice about how you respond to some situations?
Why not consider my monthly coaching service? Request your free exploratory consultation and let me know what support you are looking for: helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk

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