Monkswood Associates Newsletter
Topic for the Month: Being in Control

“I like to be in control of my environment. I don’t want to control other people”. This is what was said by one of my clients. And yet, by controlling his environment, he was also indirectly impacting/controlling other people. And he didn’t appear to notice this knock-on effect. So it was OK for someone to phone him when he had asked - but he sometimes found it an intrusion, something that took control away from him over what he did, when someone phoned when not invited.

What is your need for control? And what impact does it have on others?

There are certainly aspects of your life that you can control and it is appropriate. I’m not meaning things like learning to control your bladder as a child! And setting standards or boundaries for your own children, which is a form of control, is quite natural to do as you want to encourage your children to be great models of what you consider to be remarkable adults. No, what I thinking about are things like the extent of your need/desire:

• to have your own way or bowing to other people’s wants and needs?
• to be seen to be in control or emphasise the lack of control you have?
• to feel you have choice or little choice?

So who and what do you allow to control you, consciously and/or unconsciously?

For instance, we all have habitual ways of thinking. For example, my husband says “I don’t like gardening” and so when he mows the lawn, he probably has internal dialogue going on which includes “I’m not enjoying myself … this is so tedious … I could be doing something much more useful/pleasurable” – it’s not surprising he’s not enjoying himself when that’s the conversation!

You hold beliefs and values that control how you respond to or instigate situations, sometimes to your advantage and sometimes not. Here are some examples. Example 1: when you believe you are good at something, it encourages you to notice when you are good, you are more likely to be good at it, and you enjoy it more whether or not you are any good in other people’s eyes (I’m thinking of some X Factor contenders!). Example 2: if you value integrity and someone is appearing not to be acting with integrity, you are likely to have a less positive view and response to that person in future. Example 3: you see yourself as a trusting person and so accept things at face value – and then find, possibly too late, that there is more to the situation than you initially notice.

So what about control?

If you want to see what/who controls you and vice versa, choose a day on which to notice when and what you control, and when and what controls you. You may find it useful to capture this new and confirmed awareness by making notes as the day goes by. You may want to do more than one day before taking the next step.

This step is to consider whether you wish to continue to be controlled and controlling in these ways. If you choose to stay as you are, this very decision will have an impact on the control dynamics because you have chosen rather than gradually slipped into that way of being. One delegate on an assertiveness workshop decided at the end of the workshop that she would continue to say ‘yes’ even when she already had a lot of work as that is how she wanted to be. She now felt in control rather than a victim, even though externally no-one would see the difference.

If you want to make changes, then there is more work to be done. Some changes may be easier than others – which is where external support may be required!

"No one is in control of your happiness but you: therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change."
Barbara de Angelis

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