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Monkswood Associates Newsletter
Topic for the Month: Secrets
My opening thought:
“A good friend who points out mistakes and imperfections and rebukes evil is to be respected as if he reveals a secret of hidden treasure.”
(Hindu Gautama Siddharta, Founder of Buddhism, 563-483 BC)
Secrets can sap away your energy. Even little secrets like “I sent the email first thing this morning” - and it’s midday and actually you only sent it half-an-hour ago. They can also lead to missed opportunities and mis-understandings – secrets have a price.
What is your definition of a secret?
There are several ways a ‘secret’ can be defined. Chambers’ 20th century dictionary defines it as:
- a fact, purpose or method etc that is kept un-divulged
- anything un-revealed or unknown
So something is kept hidden from knowledge or view. Something may be not expressed or shared with others. Occasionally it may be that ‘something’ remains beyond understanding or explanation – a mystery. I am not including this last aspect within this newsletter.
What types of secrets are there?
The example in the first paragraph was a secret of a small fib or lie. Even small lies cost energy. Will you remember what you said? Will you be found out? What future repercussions may there be because of your small lie? All this reduces your ability to focus on what you need, or want, to be engaged in. This might be just a little, but how many little fibs do you carry around with you?
Another type of secret is when you know something which would impact negatively on someone if you told them. Sometimes your organisational responsibilities require you to hold back information. For instance, you may know a person’s job is likely to be made redundant soon. The more you have to do this the more tiring it is. And it’s even more difficult when you know, for example, that they are just about to commit themselves financially based on their current earnings.
Another category within this type is when you have responsibilities to tell a person but don’t. An example is when you receive negative feedback on a person’s performance. You may dislike facing a particular person as you know they question any unfavourable feedback in great detail. Now you experience energy being sapped if you keep the information or give it! But which will last longer?
A third type of secret is when you keep to yourself your unhappiness about something, or the fact that you are considering making a significant change. So you could be getting bored with your job, or are feeling frustrated with how your manager treats you - and say nothing to your manager. This happens quite a lot in organisations. So you worry away. You possibly make unfounded judgements. Or make decisions on insubstantial information.
Another type of secret is linked to feelings of shame/embarrassment. So you are frightened that someone may ‘find you out’. This may be perceived lack of knowledge or experience. It may be your values or beliefs. Whatever it is, you probably feel you have to be on your guard the whole time.
One final secret is one that you don’t know about yourself – and are afraid of finding out … or you may know but are In self-denial.
And so what!?
Secrets have consequences:
- they reduce trust – give and take is hit
- they increase rumours – communication becomes ropey
- they damage work relationships – and a sense of belonging
- they increase the likelihood of feeling stressed
- others are completely shocked when a decision comes out of the dark, while you are already prepared
- others feel frustrated and/or upset as they could have given support which may have been of great use
So you can probably guess what I’m going to suggest! Consider:
- What types of secrets do you have?
- What would be the best/worst that could happen if you told the secret to the relevant person(s)?
- In what way will you be benefit/lose out if you keep it secret?
- Which uses more energy – keeping or releasing the secret (allowing for the time involved and intensity in both instances)?
- What are you most frightened of other people finding out about you?
- What are you most frightened of finding out about yourself?
You may find completing the following sentences may help you answer number 5 and 6 …
“I am embarrassed by …”
“What I hate in others is …” (what we find objectionable in others is often a sign of something we’re hiding from ourselves)
Experiment with letting go of at least a little bit of your disapproval of yourself (or aspects of yourself). You accept others as they are – why not yourself? As for the other secrets, maybe start by telling people those things that, beforehand, you would have made a secret. Once you have gained positive experiences, then move to opening up on past secrets. And accept some things will remain with you alone for quite a while longer!
“The more … you are able to revel your darkness,
the more light you allow into your life.”
Michael Neill, American coach and author
Are you dissatisfied with a current situation in your life?
Why not consider my monthly coaching service? Request your free consultation and let me know what support you are looking for along the way: helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk
Are you enjoying Positive Solutions? Then share it with friends, colleagues and other people you know.
You are welcome to reprint any part of this newsletter as long as you acknowledge the source, including full authorship, copyright, and subscription information.
Helen Harrison (formerly Helen Wade), Solutions Coach, at:
Monkswood Associates
Bankview, Shortwood, Nailsworth, Glos GL6 0RZ, UK
Tel: +44 (0)1453.835263
Email: helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk