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Monkswood Associates Newsletter: October 2006
Topic of the Month: Feelings
My opening thought:
“Contempt is the weapon of the weak, and a defence against
one’s own despised and unwanted feelings.”
Feelings are very rarely acknowledged at work, and yet we all have them.
It’s a kind of unspoken rule that has developed. Another commonly held unspoken rule is that people should park their personal life, and all its repercussions, outside work. I know I have said it myself during my working career. And all of us also know that both these unspoken rules, work culture norms, are broken all the time.
So why do we continue to support them?
My suggestion is that we want to be accepted as part of our working group, we want to belong. Therefore, what I am going to suggest later in this newsletter maybe be against the grain for some people to do. Only ‘against the grain’ in that some individuals might be concerned that they will less part of their particular work group if they go against its norms.
In this newsletter I want to focus on the value of differentiating between real (sometimes known as ‘primary’) and secondary feelings. Some of you will already know a lot of what I have to say, so just skim read or skip to the ideas at the end!
What are primary feelings?
Primary feelings are the original feelings you experience. They are truly expressive of the situation, including its intensity. We can express them with our eyes open, remaining in contact with the outside world. They are connected to a moving towards. The energy of a primary feeling first appears, builds up, recedes and finally comes to an end. When the feeling has achieved its goal it stops and fades away. A primary feelings also requires a lot of strength to be able to be experienced. If you were fortunate as a child you experienced a lot of support to handle everything – anger, love, fear and so on. As Darcy Cunningham said “if the world does not respond helpfully and supportively to me while I am developing these feelings I will have to withdraw in some way.” This is when secondary feelings can come to the fore.
A leading UK constellator, Judith Hemming, said primary feelings “support the kind of action that preserves life. …
They engender movement and make human contact possible.” They have impeccabilty.
The founder of constellations, Bert Hellinger, focused on purpose associated with primary feelings. The purpose of anger is to create a boundary. Some incursion on the boundary occurs and anger arises. When it has achieved its goal it goes away. The purpose of grief supports the process of letting go. Feelings may be very painful, yet yield benefits. The purpose of guilt is to bring things back into order.
What are secondary feelings?
Secondary feelings are action stoppers.
They are often exaggerated, continue on-and-on, and the more deeply you experience them, the less in contact with the outside world you are. Often eye contact does not occur. They mask real feelings. They serve as coping mechanisms to protect, limit, and decrease tension/feelings.
Secondary feelings can stem from old learned patterns and conditioning and are connected with old injuries/experiences. They feed on these earlier experiences rather than the actual present situation. They weaken the person and support inaction.
Examples?
Some people show anger when they are hurt and really want to shed tears. They may be angry with one person when they are really angry with someone else. They may get annoyed with a person’s behaviour which they would like to display themselves, but don’t.
How can you use this knowledge?
Secondary feelings are encouraged by the work cultural norms I described in the first paragraph. They are useful signs to indicate some investigation may be useful, be it of yourself or the person displaying the secondary feelings. The bit that may be difficult is to encourage the real feelings out. Another action that may go against the grain is expressing your own feelings.
So some things I think are worth watching out for are:
- the intensity of the feelings being out of proportion to the situation,
- lack of eye contact (particularly if this is unusual for the person),
- you experience a sense of remoteness,
- the feelings seem to stay around, and
- inaction to resolve the situation.
This may increase your own self-awareness as well as your awareness about others. And the more aware you are the greater choice you have of responses you can make.
Have a go at practising this alertness!
Use and share this information. Tell me about any new observations.
“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond the pain.”
Saint Bartholomew
(one of the twelve apostles, 1st century AD)
Are you dissatisfied with a current situation in your life?
Why not consider my monthly coaching service? Request your free consultation and let me know what support you are looking for along the way:
helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk
You are welcome to reprint any part of this newsletter as long as you acknowledge the source, including full authorship, copyright, and subscription information.
Helen Harrison (formerly Helen Wade), Solutions Coach, at:
Monkswood Associates
Bankview, Shortwood, Nailsworth, Glos GL6 0RZ, UK
Tel: +44 (0)1453.835263
Email: helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk
Helen Harrison likes coaching key staff and individuals, who want their energy flowing freely so making the most of themselves and others - and enjoying themselves too.