Monkswood Associates

Monkswood Associates Newsletter: October 2003
Choice, awareness and living with the consequences

Introduction
My cat was ill and I was waiting for the results of a blood test. I did not prevent my cat from leaving the house partly because he had shown no interest in moving much but mainly because I don’t like to restrict him. In reality, I only fleetingly considered the matter. Over the next day his health deteriorated further and then during the night he went out and did not return – a very unusual occurrence. I was extremely worried due to his ill-health and I had a niggling thought that cats sometimes go away to die. Well two days later I thought he must be dead. After tears I reflected on what had happened and realised that I had chosen to give him freedom and I had to live with the consequences. This was true despite only giving the matter minimum reflection.

Choice and awareness
I link choice with awareness. The more aware I am, the better able I am to be in a position to make choices consciously, rather than react in a habitual manner or be blind to what options there may be. Awareness is not only “the hub of good relationships” [Sue Clayton in ‘Simply People’] but also it is the process of information gathering and sense making.

Our senses (sight, hearing, touch, smell and taste) are the channels for keeping in touch with what’s happening outside us. Our mind is the channel for keeping in touch with what’s taking place inside us – thoughts, feelings, emotions, bodily functions – and interpreting the information from all these sources. It requires practice and honesty to keep our awareness alert and working for us.

Habits, rules and values
Remember last month I mentioned my habitual way of preparing runner beans. I was not aware of this habit until another approach was suggested. How many other situations could this be true for, both at home and at work? When I first prepared runner beans my now habit probably was the logical choice. However, having learnt one way I did not review whether the approach was still the most effective for me. Having increased my inner awareness at least I recognised my existing method as a habit and became open to other possible approaches – in other words I was able to increase the range of options from which I could chose.

Some habits can still be useful and helpful. Whatever the situation, they are choices we made in the past and so we continue to be responsible for the consequences. In the main I have the habit of being half-full. Occasionally this means that I am let down by a person, but generally speaking I benefit from this approach and I want to retain this way of being and accept the consequences, useful and hazardous!

The above example of a habit is based on one of my values, being positive. Some people are not aware of all their values and the knock-on effects of the hidden values. Rules may come from values, but they also may come from upbringing, the company culture and/or your society’s culture. It is possible to spot some rules – look out for “should”, “shouldn’t”, “must”, “mustn’t”. If someone says “cannot” it may be that s/he is not acknowledging the choice s/he has made. For instance, “I can’t do presentations.” Digging deeper, the subtext could be “I wont do presentations because I am no good at that sort of thing.” This may be based on a variety of unspoken/unrecognised reasons – eg, a past experience, lack of self esteem, labelling (by self or others).

How to increase awareness and choice
Increasing awareness takes time and practice. Through my Gestalt and non-violent communication training, I started with checking from time to time what I was aware of, by completing the following sentences (within my head):

Last week I was delivering an assertiveness workshop for a client at an office I did not know. I had a frustrating time getting let into the building and when I saw the room in which the training was going to take place my heart sank. Fortunately I caught myself developing a negative frame of mind about what was going to happen for the rest of the day. I took time to register what I was noticing, thinking, imagining, feeling and needing. I realised that a lot of my imaginings/perceptions were not based on reality and I could now chose how I would feel for the day. The result was that I decided to turn my budding negative thinking into grounded positive attitude, and keep my senses looking out for the positive to maintain this approach. I know this influenced how I came across to the delegates: I was far more present for them and, therefore, was available for them in their journey in developing their assertiveness. I had a successful day and, from their feedback, they did too.

The ladder of inference
Another framework that I use in coaching and people development around the topics of awareness and choice is the Ladder of Inference, mentioned in The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook by Peter Senge, et al (1994).

Resources
Here are some books that cover awareness and choice as well as other related issues:

‘Simply People’ by Susan Clayton, published by the space between, ISBN 0-9538559-3-7

‘A Touch of Magic’ by Trevor Bentley, published by the space between, ISBN 0-9538559-5-3

‘Effective Thinking Skills’ by Richard Nelson-Jones, published by Cassell, ISBN 0-304-31719-5

‘The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook’ by Peter Senge, et al, published by Nicholas Brealey, ISBN 1-85788-060-9

Finally
This story does have a happy ending. After giving him up for dead, my cat reappears and with treatment – and keeping him indoors until the treatment had been completed – he is now fit and enjoying life!

If you find this newsletter of use, please forward it to people you think may also find it of use and/or interest: for instance, directors and managers in Human Resources and People Development or other directors and managers who deal with these sorts of issues.

You are welcome to reprint any part of this newsletter as long as you acknowledge the source, including full authorship, copyright, and subscription information.

Please ask any questions that the topic has raised, or share your thoughts and experiences with me, Helen Wade, at:

Monkswood Associates
Bankview, Shortwood, Nailsworth, Glos GL6 0RZ, UK
Tel: +44 (0)1453.835263
Email: helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk