Monkswood Associates

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
Ernest Hemingway,
American novelist and short-story writer,
1899 – 1961

How do you feel when you are trusted or you trust yourself?

I like being trusted and trusting myself. I gain such solid confidence from the experience – and usually a smile too! Yet, I have trouble sometimes in trusting myself. Well pretty often to be more accurate.

What happens when you lack trust?

When I don’t trust myself, or other people, I tend to go into control mode. The usually consequences are that I hold my body more stiffly and my voice becomes firmer/more abrupt - as do my actions and words. I feel as though I come across more rigid and ‘fierce’. My ability to really listen is reduced. And my ability to laugh at myself or the situation disappears! Also what can happen is that, even though you may lack self-trust, another person may think you don’t trust him/her.

Sometimes it is valid to mistrust a person or situation. Knowing your trust level, or how much someone else is currently feeling trusting is very useful. And acknowledging the level of trust in the situation is important. The level may relate to reciprocity, give and take. Or it could be linked to being a member of a particular group or different groups. You are likely to feel more guilty if you don’t trust someone who is in the same group as you, especially when the group is quite small.

How do you handle it?

As you can imagine, I want to change my state of mind from this controlling rigidity. It takes several steps to get out of this cycle:

1. Become aware
Well, first of all you do need to notice that you don’t trust yourself and/or others! Sometimes, another person may say something like “You don’t trust me” which helps you become aware. Otherwise you need to keep a weather eye out for the signs.

2. Check validity
Check within yourself whether there is a trust issue. If there is then where does it lie – within or outside you, or both?

3. Acknowledge
Whichever it is, admit it to yourself and any other person affected by the missing trust. This reduces the power it has over you and the other person/people. And you have a much better chance of doing something about it, if appropriate. When I had difficulty in delegating because of lack of trust, I used to be open about it. When there was no evidence to cause the lack of trust, the person understood it was my limitation and not his/hers. In group situations, it models what I would like in return.

4. Consider options
Considering and discussing what options are available is important. It certainly starts the process of developing trust, on both sides. If no-one is affected by your self-trust limitations, and you have no joy sorting it out by yourself, talk it through with someone – more than likely someone you trust!

5. Agree approach
Continuing with the delegation example, we found a way to meet my needs for progress checks and, at the same time, their needs for room to learn and grow their skills. Some people fed back to me that they coped with the progress checking better because they knew it was no detrimental reflection about them.

6. Grow trust!
As negative consequences reduced and positive experiences increased, trust grows. Trust lapses may occur – no, will occur! And be gentle with yourself when they do.

What steps do you take?

If you have other approaches, tell me and I will share them with the other readers of this newsletter. I will mention your name as contributor unless you ask me to refrain.

Do you want to change something in your life? Then contact me to request your complementary consultation and let me know what support you are looking for along the way: helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk

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Please ask any questions that the topic has raised, or share your thoughts and experiences with me, Helen Wade, at:

My opening thought: