Monkswood Associates Newsletter: June 2005

Topic for the month – Self-esteem

Recently I delivered an assertiveness workshop and two aspects seemed to hit home with the participants.  One was around comfort zones and the other self-esteem.  Individuals had most difficulty in accepting their own responsibility and choice about self-esteem. 

What impact does your self esteem have on your working life?

What is self esteem?
OK, before going any further, what do you understand ‘self-esteem’ to be?  Self-esteem refers to the way you think and feel about yourself. It combines both your evaluation of personal competence as well as your evaluation of basic worth as a human being.  

The way we view and feel about ourselves has a profound effect on how we live our lives. These opinions are shaped by experiences in the family, at school, from friendships and in wider society.  Most very young children don’t really think about self esteem.  They are usually valued and feel valued just as they are - without comparisons or judgments about how accomplished and/or lovable they are.   Somewhere as we grow most of us lose that innocence.  Beliefs and needs start to impact on our view of ourselves.  The interaction between the environment in which you live and work, and the environment you develop within yourself influences your self esteem. 

Do you believe you must continually justify your place at work?  That you somehow have to prove to other people that you are worthy of their respect?  Unfortunately, if you do then you are giving others a lot of power.  Even when you do well in their eyes today, tomorrow is another day!  And who sets the standards?  Not you, if you depend on their approval.

How much power have you handed over to others?

Types of self esteem
In the last section, I was already touching on different types, or levels, of self esteem.  I would categorise three main types along a continuum:

Self esteem is rarely consistent.  So when reading the following descriptions, you will probably recognise one or two characteristics from the two that are least like you.  You will probably find one that is most like you and still not all the descriptions will fit. 

1. Low self esteem

The more frequent, intense and lasting negative thoughts and feelings you have about yourself, the over your overall self esteem is likely to be.  Some of the effects low self esteem can have on your beliefs and behaviours are:

• Little confidence in your abilities
• If things go well, you dismiss them as luck or fluke
• Expect that you will do poorly at a task prior to trying it
• Give up quickly when faced with difficulties
• Notice failed attempts and discount/ignore successes and so ‘confirm’ negative thoughts – ie self fulfilling prophecy!
• Let things happen to you rather than make things happen
• Feel have little control over your own life
• Wonder what it is about you that causes bad things to happen to them
• Overly defensive when questioned and avoid asking questions so don’t look foolish

2. High self esteem

It is possible to have an apparently high level of self esteem but it is not necessarily based on reality.  Some of the characteristics are:

• Self aggrandisement (exaggerate greatness/importance)
• Feelings of superiority
• Notice failings in others and not yourself
• A sense of entitlement
• Expect to be treated with respect and, at the same time, do not feel the need to show respect
• Assume you are better than most, if not all, people you meet
• Discount/ignore negative feedback by discrediting the source
• Put others down

3. Healthy self esteem

As for healthy self esteem, here are some characteristics:

• liking yourself, for the most part, as you are, only occasionally having short bouts of self doubt
• respecting yourself as well as others
• compatible with humility, placing you midway between grandiosity and self-effacement
• confident without being overbearing
• see criticism and questioning as useful feedback
• generally takesetbacks and obstacles in your stride, and able to accept andlearn from your own mistakes
• unlikely to feel a need to put others down
• open and assertive in communicating, for instance your needs
• self reliant and resourceful without refusing help
• able to laugh at yourself, not taking yourself too seriously

Where do you fit on the continuum?  How happy are you with it?

Strengthening Self-Esteem

From http://www.region.peel.on.ca/health/commhlth/selfest/process.htm

The above diagram illustrates the process to move closer to healthy self esteem from the lower end of the continuum.  This kind of learning is not a quick fix, but an ongoing process of personal growth.  The website that is mentioned under the diagram has some useful ideas on what aspects to cover.

Here are a few suggestions which you may find of interest, be it for yourself or someone you know:

•   forgive yourself for your mistakes, recognising it is one mistake rather than you are a mistake!  Rather than ‘I am stupid’ say ‘I made a thoughtless mistake’ .

•   when given feedback set a limit of only receiving positive feedback until you have a frame of mind that can use developmental feedback constructively.  Write down your strengths and achievements as you get to know them.  When you know them, celebrate your strengths and achievements.

•   change the way you talk to yourself about yourself – keep it to specifics rather than generalisations and frame them in the positive (eg ‘I will be on time for that meeting’ rather than ‘I must never be late’).

•   be sure you judge yourself against reasonable standards.

Some people hide behind a mask to cover their true feelings.  The result of wearing a mask to fool others can result in feelings of guilt, fear, emptiness and loneliness.  You need to check whether this is part of your armour, recognise any masks other people wear and start to build trust in yourself.

What mask do you want to throw away?

Write to me about your learning experiences - helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk.

“If you think you can or you think you can’t, you are always right.”
Henry Ford

You are welcome to reprint any part of this newsletter as long as you acknowledge the source, including full authorship, copyright, and subscription information.

Please ask any questions that the topic has raised, or share your thoughts and experiences with me, Helen Wade, at:

Monkswood Associates
Bankview, Shortwood, Nailsworth, Glos GL6 0RZ, UK
Tel: +44 (0)1453.835263 Email: helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk
Website: www.monkswoodassociates.co.uk

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