Topic for the month – questions and assumptions

My opening thought for November:

“Begin challenging your own assumptions.  Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in awhile, or the light won’t come in.”
Alan Alda, American actor, b 1936

Have you ever thought about the assumptions that lie behind questions?  I must admit I hadn’t until I read something which got me pondering!  And what about the behaviours associated with the assumptions?  For instance, quite often I have heard single people ask rhetorically “Will I ever find my soulmate?” 

Assumptions
The first obvious assumption I can think of is that there is such a thing as a soulmate.  Then if there is only one soulmate, there is an assumption that you may never find him/her.  And what about the assumption that it is important to find the soulmate? 

What other assumptions come to mind?

Possible behavioural implications
As for the behaviours associated with these assumptions, there is a risk that if someone doesn’t match up to just one of the soulmate criteria, s/he will be rejected.  Even, if s/he is likeable, attractive, etc.  However, if this less than perfect ‘soulmate’ is not rejected, then guilt may be experienced for carrying on a relationship ‘known’ to be ‘not right’!

What could be an alternative question?

An alternative question could be “who would I love to share my life with?”  This question is so freeing.  It sets no limits on sharing with one person.  It adds choice and it assumes there are people out there that the person would love the share it with.  How much more positive could you get?!   This allows the person to look proactively, and consequently often find them.  And s/he can have different people in his/her life for different reasons.

An experiment
‘OK’, you say, ‘so what can I do with this?’  Well, what you can do is re-frame how you perceive an issue.  This can be achieved using two routes.  One way is to think of a typical rhetorical question relating to your life tha you tend to raise.  Work out what assumptions and behaviours are associated with the question.  Then come up with a question which gives you a feeling of greater choice and power.  A positive sense of possibility. 

The alternative way is to:  

• Choose an area of your life you would like to explore: for instance, your career

• Make a list of the ways you consistently behave and the things that consistently happen ‘to you’ in this area – remember to include both things that you like and things you don’t like
  

• Ask youself “if there were one question which quided all my behaviour in th is area, what would that question be?”  Try out a variety of questions until you find one that looks, sounds and/or feels right. 

To test it,

• Imaagine asking the question out loud and notice if it changes the way you think about things.  If it does, that’s probably not it!
• Look at what you assume about this area of your life and notice what question those assumptions point to
• Ask a friend or coach to assist you
• If you haven’t already, check out the assumptions inherent in your question.  Look at these assumptions.  Acknowledge the ones that were useful in the past – now no longer work for you.  Something like ‘thank you for your support in the past.  Now, I need to leave you and move on.” In this way you are respecting their past value to you and acknowledging the reality that they no longer play a constructive role.  Note which assumptions still work for you.  Do a mental ‘thank you’ and acknowledgement of their continuing support.
• Play around with new questions which encourage possibility and positive action.  Imagine what your life might be like if you ‘lived’ these questions.

When you are grabbed by a question, whichever route you took, begin to live it in your life.  You could do this by continually asking it and whenever possible, acting on the answers.  You may want to tinker with your question as time goes by.

Contact me to find out how I might be able to support you along the way  - helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk.

Essential books about changing people and organisations

“The NLP Coach” by Ian McDermott and Wendy Jago, Piatkus, 2001, ISBN 0-7499-2277-X
This book covers a number of NLP tools including reframing.  It is easy to read, and I find I dip into it as and when I am looking for ideas and/or information.

You are welcome to reprint any part of this newsletter as long as you acknowledge the source, including full authorship, copyright, and subscription information.

Please ask any questions that the topic has raised, or share your thoughts and experiences with me, Helen Wade, at:

Monkswood Associates
Bankview, Shortwood, Nailsworth, Glos GL6 0RZ, UK
Tel: +44 (0)1453.835263 Email: helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk
Website: www.monkswoodassociates.co.uk

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