Monkswood Associates Newsletter: November 2004
Topic for the month – choice or circumstances?

My opening thought for November:

"In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves.  The process never ends until we die.  And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
(born 1884, died 1962, American United Nations diplomat, humanitarian and first lady (1933 – 45), wife of Franklin D Roosevelt, 32nd US president)

Words and meanings
“When I use a word”, Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone,
 “it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more or less.”

When we hear that someone has been made redundant, without prior knowledge we probably assume the person will be upset.  They may also be finding the experience difficult.  Yet you will know people who thought it was the best thing that happened to them.   

We give meaning based on a variety of factors: for instance, experience, cultural norms, own values and beliefs, knowledge and awareness to name a few.  When we receive new information we tend to ask the following questions:

• What does this mean to me?
• Given that meaning, what is my best response to this information?

I think a more powerful first question would be:

• What do I want this to mean to me?

This brings to your attention the choice you have.  You are more likely to question any automatic responses: such as, “I don’t like people with purple socks”, or “what a scientific report states must be true.”

I was working for a manufacturing company a number of years ago.  One of the applicants for the Operations Director vacancy included a photograph.  Immediately the Managing Director saw the photograph he said, “I wont interview a man who has a beard.  Men with beards are hiding something, and more than their chin!”.  Fortunately I persuaded him to see this bearded man and, despite his view on beards, he recruited him!  If his meaning about beards had not been questioned, the organisation would have lost a great candidate.   

The way we SEE leads to what we DO  - and what we do leads to the results we GET in our lives.  As Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (Swiss-American psychiatrist and author) said, “I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word and thought throughout our lifetime.”   

Health: circumstances or choice?

Some people seem to catch most coughs and colds going while others don’t.  Some people may unconsciously make themselves sick or tired, without being a full-blown hypochondriac.  Their ill health or tiredness may be:

• Punishment (for something they believe they’ve done wrong);
• Prevention (to prevent themselves from having to do something they don’t want to do);
• Protection (to protect themselves from having to experience something they believe will bring them negative consequences);
• Protection (to protect an individual within a group or the group itself from having to experience something negative);
• Compensation (to compensate for debts and needs belonging to an individual within the group – past or present); or
• Attention-seeking (to gain attention even to the detriment of their health).

When someone goes off sick at work, ask yourself:

• “Why might she want to make herself sick right now?”
• “Is getting sick a way to give himself permission to avoid doing something he doesn’t want to do?”
• “Is she getting sick to give herself permission to lie around and rest for a day or two?”
• “Is he getting sick to empathise with a colleague, family member or friend who’s sick?”
• “Is she getting sick to protect a colleague, team or organisation from having to experience something negative?”
• “Is he getting sick to compensate for a colleague, past or present, who was badly treated?”
• “Does she want attention?”

You may want to check the person’s diary and to-do list (if they have one!).  See if there is a pattern.  If you have a health issue, you can use the same questions to check yourself.

If the illness fits one of the headings and you are their manager, raise it when they return to work.  If its your health, take the action your ‘sickness’ is ‘forcing’ you to take or DECIDE not to take the action your ‘sickness’ is designed to excuse you from taking.  In other words making either choice reduces your feeling of powerlessness.  Or to put it positively, it increases your feelings of potency.

Of course, you or your colleague may just be ill!

Two experiments!

• Decide for a specific period of time, say a particular day, that everything that happens is ‘good for you’.  Notice:
• how you feel throughout the day;
• how other people respond to you; and
• any different actions you take when compared with similar circumstances and different mindset.
• Choose one thing you really want to change about yourself or your life.  Decide to like it the way it is.  Give it unconditional approval.  Notice:
• if you feel more or less able to change it;
• if you have the need to change it; and
• whether there is any change!

Email me the results of your experiment(s) on ‘helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk’.

“While we are free to choose our actions,
we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.”
Stephen R Covey

Essential books about changing people and organisations

You’re One of Us: systemic insights and solutions for teachers, students and parents by Marianne Franke-Gricksch, Carl-Auer-Systeme Verlag, ISBN 3-89670-413-3
This book contains examples of basic practical techniques that have positive effects on children, including less conflict and more learning.  Some of the techniques could be used with little alteration to good effect in other organisations.  No former knowledge of constellations is necessary.  Be inspired by what has taken place in this school.   

http://en.thinkexist.com/keywords/
You can find a large number of quotes on this website.  You can gain a taster before registering.  Registration is free and uncomplicated.  I have used it to find relevant quotes for this newsletter!

“We can try to avoid making choices by doing nothing, but even that is a decision.”
Gary Collins (Actor, born 1938)

You are welcome to reprint any part of this newsletter as long as you acknowledge the source, including full authorship, copyright, and subscription information.
  
Please ask any questions that the topic has raised, or share your thoughts and experiences with me, Helen Wade, at:


Monkswood Associates
Bankview, Shortwood, Nailsworth, Glos GL6 0RZ, UK
Tel: +44 (0)1453.835263
Email: helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk

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