Monkswood Associates Newsletter: February 2005
Topic for the month – needs of criticisers

My opening thought for February:

“Reality, taken seriously, is friendly, and it’s worth taking seriously.  Reality takes its revenge if it’s not taken seriously or is trivialised.”

B Hellinger in Love’s Own Truth, p 294

I’ve been delivering some workshops recently and noticed a lot of criticism being banded about.  It has mainly been generalisations, with ‘them’ or ‘the organisation’ or ‘senior management’ mentioned frequently!  And these criticisms come from managers of the organisation! 

So what do you do when faced with such a situation?

Typical responses

So far I respond in a variety of ways:

• I may just actively listen. 
• I may ask on what the criticism is based. 
• I may bring their attention to the general nature of the criticism. 
• I even occasionally draw the discussion around to their responsibilities as managers, as potential influencers on the specific issues of complaint.  Or discussing whether the issue is inside or outside their control.

I often add that if everyone in the organisation made one small change, there would be more than 4,500 changes, which would impact positively the norms of the culture.  If anyone says that they are too insignificant in such a large organisation, I mention the following words I found on a card: “if you think you’re too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito”! 

What responses do you have when faced with such situations?

New thought

Through reading a ‘word for today’ magazine, I needed to review my approach.  The magazine suggested that I could ask something like “I’m curious to know how you are benefiting from criticising x?”  Taking care, of course, about not shaming the person.  

This question gets under the surface of the criticism.  I may find the motivation or need that drives the criticiser.

What benefits/needs/motivation can you think of for such criticisers?

Possible benefits for criticisers

I thought about what benefits they may experience and was surprised at the number that came to mind.  Here are some of them:

• Help others to see where they can improve: criticised person/group may listen and change
• Show how clever you are
• Enjoy feelings of superiority, possibly exalting in the belief you are right
• Protect someone / some group
• Pay back for prior criticism about own behaviour (give and take)
• Deflect attention from own perceived faults
• Avoid addressing what is really on your mind
• Gain attention even though it may be negative
• Hope message will get back to relevant person / group so do not have to say it directly
• Fit into the norms of a group and so feel belong to it

How do you think people may react to this question?

I can imagine some people being totally surprised by the idea that they could benefit from their critical stance.  They may also be unaware of the impact such a style of criticism may have on others – and on the general working atmosphere.  Furthermore, it could have health consequences on themselves.  A particular bit of research observed that the stressed-out group were habitual fault finders, constant critics of people and things around them.  The stress-free group were loving and accepting of others.

Remember this is one bit of research.  Care needs to be taken in making any generalisations from it.  Some fault-finders may also be loving – although possibly not that accepting of others!

What about the lack of action following up the criticism? 

I notice that people, who make general criticisms about ‘them’, ‘the management’, et cetera, can have no intention of taking any action.  If the criticism is a symptom of secondary feelings, this is not surprising. 

What are ‘secondary feelings’?  They mask real feelings.  They serve as coping mechanisms to protect, limit, and decrease tension/feelings.  Secondary feelings stem from old learned patterns and conditioning and are connected with old injuries/experiences.   They feed on these earlier experiences rather than the actual present situation.  They weaken the person and support inaction.  An example?  Some people show anger when they are hurt rather than tears they really want to shed.  

However, it may be because they have no control over the issue!

So now how might you respond in face of such criticism?

All situations have a context.  I mentioned in last month’s newsletter how the whole web is affected even by one tiny contact.  So consider:

• What control do I and/or the criticisers have over the issue?
• With which groups are the people involved most likely to align themselves?
• What loyalty pressures are on them to fit into the predominant group(s)?
• What impact is their past contact / lack of contact having?
• How is service, hierarchy and job function affecting the situation?
• Is there any imbalance in give-and-take?  If so, how might this be influencing the circumstances?
• What has already been tried to address the issue?
• How long has it been happening?

Then decide what is appropriate.

SO what?

Well, if you decide to respond, your response may have a more constructive effect, even if it just makes the criticisers stop and reflect.  So give it a try!

Email me your thoughts on this topic - helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk

"Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man’s growth, without destroying his roots."
Frank A Clarke

‘Acknowledging what is – conversations with Bert Hellinger’, Bert Hellinger and Gabriele ten Hovel, Zeig, Tucker & Co, ISBN 1-891944-32-0

I like this book as it covers  so many aspects relating to constellations in simple yet significant ways.  I read it through and now have started to read bits of it as the mood strikes.  Or a topic comes to mind on which I want clarification or a constellations viewpoint.  Reviewing it makes me realise I want to read it again!

Topical website

http://www.www.human-systems-institute.com/index/Articles/The_Article?articleid=10 

I mentioned secondary feelings in this newsletter.  This webpage is a specific article about primary and secondary feelings, which I found useful in my gradual coming to grips with the implications of secondary feelings.

“Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things.”

Frank A Clarke

You are welcome to reprint any part of this newsletter as long as you acknowledge the source, including full authorship, copyright, and subscription information.

Please ask any questions that the topic has raised, or share your thoughts and experiences with me, Helen Wade, at:

Monkswood Associates
Bankview, Shortwood, Nailsworth, Glos GL6 0RZ, UK
Tel: +44 (0)1453.835263 Email: helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk
Website: www.monkswoodassociates.co.uk

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