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Monkswood Associates Newsletter:
July 2003: Mediation
Mediation
Mediation is a process in which an impartial third party helps ‘disputing parties’ to work out an agreement. The disputants, not the mediator, decide the terms of this agreement. Mediation usually focuses on future rather than past behaviour – the past cannot be changed, the future can.
Mediator’s role and responsibilities
A mediator is there as a resources for both parties. S/he:
- acts as a facilitator to enable the parties to hear what each has to say and, if they can, resolve their own problem;
- creates the environment and helps the disputing parties listen to each other and work towards a solution;
- helps parties to clarify any issues;
- does not decide what happened. The parties know what happened – the mediator’s role is to help them to see each other’s standpoint then move on from there to what they are going to do about the situation;
- is not there to take sides and, in fact, needs to be non-judgmental;
- encourages all the relevant information to be out in the open to enhance the likelihood of resolution taking place. This may involve him/her bringing attention to any concessions, similarities of view and other communication issues;
- assists the parties to re-word what they want to communicate, gaining agreement with the re-wording;
- is free to help the parties come up with possible solutions but not responsible for finding a solution; and
- supports both to give as well as to take so that the resolution is not one-sided.
Process
There are several ways for mediation to take place. One approach I typically take is:
1 Individual Meetings
The mediator holds separate meetings with the two people directly involved. The purpose is for the mediator to gain an understanding of how the two people view the situation. As with each meeting, the mediator will ensure it is agreed what ground rules are to be used for the meeting. It is particularly important to agree the level of confidentiality of any content from any meeting.
2 Meeting with both parties
2.1 Ground rules
When the two parties meeting in the presence of the mediator, it is important ground rules are agreed.
2.2 Uninterrupted time
The parties agree to listen to each other in turn without interrupting each other. They explain in turn what has been happening and how it is affecting them. The idea of this is that the other party can hear what the situation felt like from the other person’s point of view.
2.3 The exchange
The parties can respond to issues, accusations and questions arising from what was said during uninterrupted time and can release any strong feelings which they are experiencing. To minimize the risk of further misunderstanding, the following framework for communicating may be proposed:
Describe the issue factually –
eg “ I notice …” or
“When I see/hear/ …” or
“When I remember …[then describe what you saw or heard]” or
“When I imagine …[then describe what you might see or hear]
Express your feelings and the trigger for your feelings (met or unmet need) –
Eg “I feel …because I need …” or
“I feel … because I would have liked …” or
“I feel … because I value/enjoy …”
Each person needs to take responsibility for his/her own feelings. This means knowing that feelings are caused from within. The outer situation is the trigger – your met or unmet need is the cause of it. Therefore, instead of saying “you make me feel angry when you ignore me” I would suggest “ I noticed you didn’t say ‘good morning’ to me and I feel angry because I needed to be acknowledged” or whatever need was not met.
It is normal for this phase may appear disorganised and this certainly was the case in my most recent situation, along with a period of feeling ‘stuck’. This is the difficult stage for all parties to experience and all parties benefit from having a strong desire to resolve the situation on a longer term basis. The mediator’s contribution is usually critical at this stage, and was certainly true in my recent experience.
2.4 Building the agreement
This starts to happen when the direction of the discussion changes to a co-operative search for solutions. Be aware that feelings, values, attitudes and interpretations of reality cannot be negotiated. Specific complaints about behaviour, including verbal behaviour, can be. The starting point could be the question “What do you want to see happen in the future?” Consider the needs that have not been met and remember what is already working well.
2.5 Writing the agreement.
It is important to have a written agreement to which both parties have ‘signed up’. The agreement needs to be specific, balanced, positive and provide for the future should problems re-occur. Timescales need to be set.
Ground rules
The mediator usually starts by establishing some ground ‘rules’ for the discussion. When the two parties meeting the most important of these is NO INTERRUPTING as it is important that the two parties listen to each other. Interruptions easily deteriorate into a row.
In my recent mediation, both not only wanted ‘no interrupting’ but also wanted: to try out the suggested way of communicating (see 2.3); to know that they were talking confidentially, and at the end of the meeting agree what may be spoken about and to whom; to accept that each may stumble in their learning and trying out a new way of expressing their viewpoints; respect and to respect each other (we had a discussion what behaviours they linked with ‘respect’); and to be open and honest which included accepting that one or other may not wish to talk about something.
Time Out
Anyone – mediator or participant – can call for a ‘time out’ break at any time.
This can :
- give time for angry people to cool off
- change the pace, perhaps creating an opportunity to break a deadlock or give people the chance to step back and perhaps reconsider their position
- give people time to reflect
- give the mediator an opportunity to have separate meetings with parties to :
- explore the firmness of a party’s position
- receive private information
- give a timid or fearful person the chance to talk
- explore possible concessions or solutions
- confront behaviour or attitudes hindering the mediation
- encourage a party to bring out hidden complaints, concerns or private agendas
We all agreed a need to clear our heads and assimilate what had been covered – as well as wanting a ‘nature break’.
Recording meetings
Some mediators record meetings:
- to assist the mediator in the initial meetings to take in the information and check whether s/he needs to gain clarification on any points or bring to the person’s attention any factor not previously highlighted, which may have bearing on the resolution of the issue; and
- to use in the joint meetings in case any dispute of what was said takes place, so that it may be resolved cleanly.
People being recorded need to agree to it and decide how the recordings may be used and who may listen to them. In this situation, as one party was unsure, no recording took place.
So what happened?
The end result was that they appreciated:
- their different perceptions and the benevolent reasoning behind what they did;
- both had contributed to the situation;
- the lack of training the manager has in managing difficult situations; and
- the tendency for the direct report to assume managers are all-knowing, expecting more of them than in reality it is likely to be the case – the direct report was inhibited about asking to talk to the line manager.
They sorted out what they need to do in the future as and when possible misunderstandings arise. The solution is normally straightforward as it was in this case. It was a matter of talking to each other to check perceptions. They did not want to have any special arrangement as they felt it would blow the issue out of proportion to what it really is – differences of perception and lack of communication. In addition, they did not want the direct report to stick out by having anything different from other employees. So far this arrangement is working well – the added benefits are that they now have greater trust in each other and have greater awareness about how they come across to others as well as how their own perceptions may differ from others.
You are welcome to reprint any part of this newsletter as long as you acknowledge the source, including full authorship, copyright, and subscription information.
Please ask any questions that the topic has raised, or share your thoughts and experiences with me, Helen Wade, at:
Monkswood Associates
Bankview, Shortwood, Nailsworth, Glos GL6 0RZ, UK
Tel: +44 (0)1453.835263 Email: helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk
Website: www.monkswoodassociates.co.uk