Monkswood Associates

Topic for the month – Working with limiting beliefs

My opening thought for July:

“Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best."
- Henry Van Dyke
1852–1933, American clergyman, educator, and author

“I feel my controlling tendency is running [I initially typed ‘ruining’!] my life” a client said to me. “So what’s important about being in control?” I asked (with follow-up “What else?” questions). “I am less vulnerable. I have a sense of power. I feel more confident. My self-esteem is greater.” “And what would it be like if you allowed yourself to be less in control?” “I would be freer. I would accept vulnerability as OK. I would be more open about my vulnerabilities in a non-defensive way. I would have more joy in my life.”

Yet other individuals would perceive that they would gain these things through being more in control of their lives! Perception is all. This client had a limiting belief, a rule, that went something like “I get hurt and feel abused if I show my vulnerability.” Her logic led her to hide her vulnerability through controlling every aspect of her life.

What do you perceive as one of your rules that puts limits on you?
What about your direct reports, colleagues and line manager?

So how do you start working with your limiting beliefs?

First of all you need to work out what your belief is! You may have more than one working at the same time. Then you need to:

Acknowledge the problem you have. In this example, it is the consequences of using a particular belief in situations where the downsides outweigh any benefits. In acknowledging the problem, you need to appreciate the best of what exists: for instance,
when was this belief useful and when is this still true?
Are there new circumstances that make this belief useful now?
What useful attributes does it have?

This client, Sarah (not her real name), found her belief useful with her brother to protect herself from his teasing (she lost confidence through being teased). She practised the belief at work and home for most of her people contact. Answering these questions, she realised a level of being in control is useful – for instance, when she is responsible for such work situations as projects, chairing meetings and delivering training. In addition, her perfectionism is useful when detail matters.

What do you know now about your limiting beliefs that may make it easier for you in the future?

Specify how you would like things to be in the future. So:
What do you want to keep?
What other attributes do you want to have?
I know you say you can’t, but what would it be like if you could?

Sarah wanted to have a strong foundation of self-assurance and self-esteem without being dependent on being in control. This would enable her to be more herself with people, without feeling the need to be on the defensive. She recognised that people are less likely to open up to her if she is so closed to them – and seen to be an unknown quantity. Sarah recognised the truth of “your authenticity will encourage others to be authentic with you” (Sue Clayton in ‘Simply People’, the booked I reviewed last month).

How would you like things to be in the future?

Identify solutions: if something works, do more of it. The interesting thing with problems is that they are not usually continuously present. Normally there are occasions in which the problem is not happening, or to a lesser extent than usual. These positive exceptions frequently form the key to solving the problem. Ask questions like:
What behaviour and/or circumstances make the problem disappear (or partly disappear)?
What other ways may you achieve these features you want to retain?
Which ones would work for you? (This might be because they have in the past).
How may you gain the other attributes in other ways?
What would you try now if you knew you couldn’t fail?
What would you do now if you were already the person you know you have the potential of becoming?

Sarah was more open when:

it was the only way to achieve what she wanted out of a particular situation,
she trusted the person or
the person had been open about his/her vulnerabilities.

Too many other factors came out of this section to cover it all here.

What do you think came out of this section for Sarah?
How about your own situation?

Visualise progress and success: We mentioned the power of visualisation in the May 2004 issue. You may find it helpful first of all to imagine a scale from 0 to 10. 10 stands for the situation in which you have fully achieved your goals. 0 stands for the situation in which the problem happens at its worst. Once you know where you are on this scale, visualise what the situation would look like on the next step of the scale.

Have a go at visualising your next step successfully achieved.

Implement solutions taking small steps: confidence is gained through success. If you set yourself a goal of immediate and consistent perfection, you are setting yourself up to fail. Small steps require only minimal effort, yet their effects can be large because they often unexpectedly start off a chain of positive events.

So what small steps are you prepared to commit to doing?

Write your responses down for each stage and put it aside before making your final commitment. More information and ideas frequently surface. Then make the commitments and do what you need to do so that you ensure you follow it through to success. Sarah told a colleague about her commitments and asked this colleague for support. I like a positive approach such as this. It is in keeping with the positive solutions-focused approach to change.

Now go for it!
Tell me about your progress, gain further support about any point, by emailing me on:
helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk

Essential books about changing people and organisations

“Effective Thinking Skills: preventing and managing personal problems” by Richard Nelson-Jones, Paul Chapman Publications, ISBN 1412901766

Effective Thinking Skills is a book for people who wish to think more effectively about their personal problems and decisions. These problems may be at work or home. It brings to the reader’s attention that even when you say you had no choice, in fact s/he did – hence owning responsibility for choosing. It covers ways of increasing your awareness and options, using self-talk, increasing your choice including about your own rules and how you perceive.

You can work through this book by yourself at your own convenience, taking on board what is useful to you. A very practical book.

“Believe and act as if it were impossible to fail."
Charles F. Kettering US engineer and inventor

Topical website

http://www.thesolutionsfocus.com/articles.cfm
You will find a list of useful articles (and a summary of what they cover) that address different aspects of the solutions focus approach to change.

“Often faltering feet come surest to the goal.”
Henry Van Dykein ‘Reliance’

You are welcome to reprint any part of this newsletter as long as you acknowledge the source, including full authorship, copyright, and subscription information.

Please ask any questions that the topic has raised, or share your thoughts and experiences with me, Helen Wade, at:

Monkswood Associates
Bankview, Shortwood, Nailsworth, Glos GL6 0RZ, UK
Tel: +44 (0)1453.835263 Email: helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk
Website: www.monkswoodassociates.co.uk