Monkswood Associates

"The greatest conflicts are not between two people but between one person and himself."
Garth Brooks
American singer/songwriter

My sister and I were chatting one day. She mentioned that she was driving behind a really slow driver and getting more and more impatient. ‘For goodness sake, why are you driving so slowly? There’s no danger!’ she thought – and then realised that she was probably railing against one of her own principles, that people should drive within their own capabilities! Here is an example of internal conflict between a belief you hold dear and living with the consequences.

When has this happened to you?

What other circumstances cause such internal conflict? As a manager, you may be asked to make redundancies within your team. You know that this will hit any of them hard and yet you know the need to reduce the headcount is right for the organisation. Another dilemma. This is living with the consequences of an action you consider to be the correct route to take.

Now the next thought may not sit so easily! I know I still find it difficult to accept its validity. If someone gives you feedback or describes you in a way that you know is not the case or you just don’t identify with, you are unlikely to feel any emotional charge. However, when feedback upsets you it’s usually because at some level you believe it might be true – or know it is part of the truth. One of my colleagues mentioned that she had 92% good evaluations and was worrying about the one that had suggested a minor area for improvement. Yet, I know that the same had happened a couple of months ago and she wasn’t fazed by it at all. The first feedback hit an issue about which she was unsure, while the other she just knew it was not in her control so just shrugged.

What do you do when this happens to you?

Another difficult suggestion is that most perceptions are projections. We most dislike in others what we fear can be found in ourselves! Do the following exercise:

Consider and make a list of the people who have habits/behaviours that annoy or frustrate you. Write what the habit or behaviour is against their names. Now be honest with yourself. Think whether this is something you do, which you don’t like. Or you fear you do. Write your response against each habit/behaviour.

So this internal conflict is about what you dislike in others that you do, or fear you do, yourself. A coaching client mentioned how frustrating he finds being given work at the last moment. When asked, he realised he does this a fair amount too!

What other types of internal conflicts come to your mind?

How about when you have desperately wanted to do something and then heard an inner critic saying things like:

This is a major area of internal conflict, between what you want to do or be and your self-image.

Working with internal conflicts
Once my sister had worked out that she was railing against the actions of one of her beliefs, she laughed and started to relax. So think first.

As for the line manager, he realised that if he discovered the underlying interests and needs of the people potentially affected, he would find some common ground. This would reduce, maybe even remove, his internal torment. Through:

he was ready and able to achieve a successful outcome.

When you respond emotionally to feedback, or the inner critic speaks, go through a similar route as I suggested in the exercise. And I know I’ve mentioned visualisation before, and here is another opportunity to use it!

Another thought is as long as we make any part of ourselves into an enemy, we will be engaged in an inner war. Abraham Lincoln said ‘Do I not destroy my enemy when I make him my friend?"
So what you need to do is:

Naturally this ‘simple’ idea is not easy to do! In addition, talking about love in the work place is unusual! However, contrary to most people’s expectations, when you love something exactly as it is, it seems to begin to change. It no longer has the hold on you that it had before.

Go on, experiment!
Tell me about your progress. Gain further support about any point, by emailing me on: helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk

Essential books about changing people and organisations

Listening to Conflict by Erik J van Slyke, AMACOM, ISBN 0-8144-0429-4
This book is about finding constructive solutions to workplace disputes. It recognises the importance of self-awareness and the principles of human interaction. So listening to ourselves and others is the foundation on which the rest may occur. It gives exercises and assessment tools for you to work through if you so wish. You may recognise some of the points made in what I say in this newsletter!

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B Rosenberg, Independent Publishers Groups, ISBN 1-892005-034
This is another good and easy to understand book. It gives practical advice on handling conflict. Using examples and sample dialogues, Marshall Rosenberg provides everyday solutions to difficult communication problems.

http://www.trainerbase.co.uk/
This website is useful for both trainers and people looking for trainers. For a relatively small subscription, you can have a way of accessing trainers and tenders. In addition, you can let people get to know you through making information available through the website. Have a look.

“The key programmes of human behaviour are habit and
imagination and they are far more powerful than logic and
willpower will ever be.”
Paul McKenna

You are welcome to reprint any part of this newsletter as long as you acknowledge the source, including full authorship, copyright, and subscription information.

Please ask any questions that the topic has raised, or share your thoughts and experiences with me, Helen Wade, at:

Monkswood Associates Newsletter: September 2004 Topic for the month – internal conflict

Monkswood Associates Newsletter: September 2004
Topic for the month – internal conflict