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Monkswood Associates Newsletter: February 2006
Topic for the month – Honouring
My opening thought:
“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that
the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”
John Fitzgerald Kennedy, American 35th US President
(1961 – 63), 1917 - 1963
Recently I read a newsletter which asked whether my marketing is driven by fear or guided by love (www.clinetmagnets.com). When I read the word ‘fear’ my immediate reaction was to think it was a ‘bad’ thing. And yet fear can save our lives when it gets us moving from a dangerous place. When I hear the word ‘love’ I remember and reflect on positive experiences.
What labels do you give fear and love?
Being aware not only what drives you, but also the labels you attach to the drivers, is useful. However, what is more helpful is to honour, rather than hide or denigrate, what is. This includes honouring what you may perceive as negative. Honouring is respectful acceptance.
Here are some general areas where honouring has practical uses:
- Mistakes: in hiding a mistake you have made, you are giving away power to it. They become bigger than they really are. It can lead to more secrets which burden you. It also reduces your ability to move forward and takes energy away from the positive. Admitting the mistake to yourself is step one. If appropriate telling others about it is step two. Finally, thinking how you may prevent the mistake happening again is really appreciating, honouring, the mistake. And you release positive energy.
- Fears: we all have fears in different shapes and sizes. Talking about them won’t necessarily make them go away. However, in recognising a particular fear and the role it is playing, or has played previously, you have the chance to decide whether it continues to have a useful role. IF it doesn’t you can decide how you wish to respond. Sometimes, I fear delivering a new workshop, especially if I designed it. When I acknowledge the fear, I start seeing options I can take. I see what imaginings are causing the fear – how valid are they? What alternatives are there? Usually I pick imaginings that have positive outcomes. In this instance, I visualise the workshop participants as a group of people I get on with well and who are enjoying the workshop. And, indeed, that is what happens! Or certainly close enough.
- Needs: a need is a driver. I need work that is predominantly mentally stimulating. If it isn’t I get bored and don’t work to my best. I turn away work if it doesn’t meet this criterion. If I ignore – dishonour – my needs, I do myself a disservice.
Blame can be seen as an expression of an unmet need. So what can be done about the habit of making requests of ourselves and others in the form of blame? For instance, if you think someone is being selfish, you could want more consideration to your needs. Using Marshall Rosenberg ‘non-violent communication’ framework, Kelly Bryson suggests that when you find yourself blaming yourself or others, first acknowledge it (a form of honouring). This includes taking time to notice where in your body feels the blame. For some people, if it’s the stomach it’s anger, the heart it’s hurt and the upper chest it’s fear. Second, imagine what it wants in order to feel better. This enables you to take responsibility for what you are wanting and what you are really feeling.
Finally, express your feelings and needs clearly instead of calling someone inconsiderate, for example, you might say “I’m feeling lonely and want you to come and see me.” This approach, , increases your chances of inspiring cooperation from yourself and others.
What needs do you have that you leave unexpressed?
- Opinions: by expressing my opinion – in a respectful way of course! – I am honouring my opinions and myself AND showing honour and respect to the person(s) with whom I share them. I would also be honoured when they express theirs in return. Having this view of sharing opinions may help you to listen properly to opinions even when they oppose yours.
I suspect that if anyone talked to you the way you talk to yourself, you would have kicked them out of your life a long time ago. Many of us put up with an inner critic that we would never tolerate in the outside world. So next time you catch yourself saying to yourself things like “You clumsy person” or “you stupid so-and-so” think whether you would say them to another person. So why would you say them to yourself? You deserve as much honour and respect as you offer to other people.
How honourable are you when facing different viewpoints from your own?
Honouring does need to be heart felt. Otherwise its power is lost. And listening fully to other people who are honouring you by expressing their fears, mistakes, needs and opinions, is how you can reciprocate the honouring. Give and take comes into play even in honouring.
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If you have other examples of the uses of honouring, tell me and I will share them with the other readers. I will mention your name as contributor unless you ask me to refrain.
Do you want to change something in your life? Then contact me to request your complementary consultation and let me know what support you are looking for along the way: helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk
You are welcome to reprint any part of this newsletter as long as you acknowledge the source, including full authorship, copyright, and subscription information.
Please ask any questions that the topic has raised, or share your thoughts and experiences with me, Helen Wade, at:
Monkswood Associates
Bankview, Shortwood, Nailsworth, Glos GL6 0RZ, UK
Tel: +44 (0)1453.835263 Email: helen@monkswoodassociates.co.uk
Website: www.monkswoodassociates.co.uk